That’s another reason I think that people are so worried
about using the word “abuse” because it carries such heavy consequences. Gus
has so honestly talked about his kids and the abuse situation there. Part of what helps me work towards
this road to recovery is the fact that my wife has educated herself and she’s
not going to put up with it.

What are some examples of amends?

Example: "Your trust is really important to me, and I want set things right." Make amends. Example: "I know that you asked for my help because of the expertise I could have provided. I want to make it up to you.

We may be afraid about making financial amends, or afraid of rejection, retaliation and a host of other doubtful outcomes. However, making amends doesn’t always living amends have to be a nerve-racking, dreadful or joyless experience. There is freedom that is gained by cleaning up the past, a freedom to live peacefully in the present.

Steps for Making Living Amends

Being free of resentment is an amends in and of itself. Step 9 is about making peace with ourselves and others. An example would be telling someone how sorry you are that you stole from them and actually giving back what you took.

A method we found valuable in this “self-amends” process was to plan some fun. So much of our lives had been spent taking care of others, controlling others and being serious that the playful side of ourselves had become neglected and ignored. I was hard enough to acknowledge our misdeed to another without hesitation, but what about promptly making amends to ourselves?

Be generous with your time.

An amend involves rectifying or making right what was wrong. For example, say that you stole $20 from your brother while you were using. In the midst of your ninth step, you say to him “I’m so sorry that I stole that money from you and used it for drugs”. A true amend would be giving him $20 back along with the apology.

We believe our pain will be relieved if other people make amends too. We risk failure if we approach this Step with expectations of how our amends will turn out. We can also make amends by living very purposefully within the bounds of our principles. For example, if we hurt people with our lying and we cannot make amends without further injuring them, we would make living amends by making a decision to behave and communicate with complete honesty. Recovery support groups and individual therapy can help you if you are struggling to make amends or accept the responses of others. A sponsor or therapist can help you talk through your choices, determine the best course of action for making amends, and consider how your actions may affect others as you seek to make amends.

Making Amends Means That Your Husband Doesn’t Lie. Ever.

The only action that a woman can take to assist her partner or ex-partner in changing is to set firm boundaries that separate herself and her children from abusive behavior. Beyond that, it is 100% the abuser’s prerogative and responsibility to initiate and continue working toward living amends. Whether or not you’re intimately familiar with the Twelve Steps of AA, you’ve probably heard of Step Nine. Making Amends with Others has positioned itself in the public eye to a degree that many of the other eleven steps haven’t.

  • There is nothing quite like experiencing increased humility while making amends in your Ninth Step and recognizing the self-empowerment and self-love that comes with it.
  • These relationships are blocking your heart and your ability to love and to let love in.
  • For the amends process to be successful, you first need to focus on healing yourself, then be willing to forgive yourself and others.
  • For example, if you were driving under the influence, crashed your car, and injured your friend, your friend may have severed all ties with you and refuse to meet and relive the trauma.
  • You can’t take that step if you don’t know
    what the truth is yourself.

If you need evidence, consider the fact that you’re working so hard to change and to become a better individual. If making an amend doesn’t pan out exactly how you had hoped it would, let it go. You made the amend to clean up your side of the street, acknowledging your wrongdoing and taking responsibility for your actions. Direct amends refers to going directly to the wronged individual, apologizing and taking whatever action is necessary to correct a situation. If an individual damaged someone else’s home while they were under the influence of drugs or alcohol, direct amends may require that they go to the property owner, apologize and repair damages. Those in recovery are encouraged to make direct amends whenever possible.

What Does Step 9 (Making Amends) Have To Do With Sobriety?

Many times, addiction leaves loved ones hurt and disappointed. Although much of the damage cannot be reversed or undone, successful recovery includes reaching out to these hurt individuals and trying to heal the relationship, a step known as making amends. Other times, we cannot make direct 12-Step amends, such as when the other person has passed away or a business has closed. Personal advice is always helpful when we are trying to judge a situation. But sometimes, we have no choice but to make living amends. If you stole something from someone you cannot reasonably return the item to, you could simply resolve not to steal again from others as part of your long-term recovery goals.

  • Our team works closely with you throughout this process to help you achieve your goals in recovery.
  • Calls to any general helpline (non-facility specific 1-8XX numbers) could be forwarded to SAMHSA or a verified treatment provider.
  • Figure out ways to improve upon them, and tell your loved ones what you’re working on to help you improve.
  • In my own experience, nothing seeds cynicism more readily than the withholding of forgiveness — forgiveness of others, of the world, of Father Chance and Mother Circumstance; above all, of oneself.
  • Don’t make the amends unless you are ready to be sincere in owning your wrongs.

Many abusers promise that they will change, in fact, it is an almost-universal tool in the grooming process of the abuse cycle. Book Jason for speaking engagements, events or appearances and let him bring the message of recovery & hope. Many of us find it helpful to reflect on our amends after making each one. Some of us do this by writing about how it felt to make the amends and what we learned from the experience.

How Will Making Amends Help My Recovery?

Some people to whom we owe amends may not be living or can’t be found. Sometimes someone may refuse to hear an amends that we would like to make. When there is no possibility of making direct amends, being of service to others is our amends. In giving, we receive and gain peace in a spirit once filled with remorse and pain. In the past we may have minimized our effect on others.

They affirm your decision to make lifelong changes, which has a positive effect on both you and everyone around you. To fix broken relationships, you have to put a lot of effort into making things work. It’s not enough to say to someone that you apologize and feel badly for how you acted in the past. It takes a certain maturity and level of respect for yourself and the person you’re hoping to reconnect with to get past any past issues. These promises are often the most difficult to keep because addiction plays a decisive role in a person’s ability to live up to their promises.

“Make” Amends Versus “Living” Amends

Each day I ask my Higher Power for the strength to help me stay sober and live responsibly and with honesty. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me, but if not, I understand. It can be tempting to say things like “I’m sorry for everything I’ve done to you,” but try to avoid these blanket statements. They miss the opportunity to be truly reflective about how your wrongdoings have impacted the other person and can be misread. The other person may hear the same statement as exasperation with them or a minimizing of the ways you’ve hurt them. Instead, try to reference specific times when you hurt the other person and/or let them down.

  • They may refuse to meet at all or refuse to listen to what you have to say.
  • Often the process of making amends does not go as expected.
  • ” For all of you women out there, read Why
    Does He Do That?